I’m writing this for Olga, who is having a bit of a crisis of faith lately. I don’t talk much about religion. I was raised Catholic and I never liked being told that I was a sinner or that I was not allowed to believe in ghosts. I need to go over my background a little before I talk more about what I want to write about.
Since then I’ve been to religious retreats, we changed to a Protestant church and attended for a while where I had to go to Vacation Bible Study. I used to try to oversleep on Sunday mornings but it never worked out. I slowly stopped believing and by 8th grade I deemed myself an Athiest. I couldn’t be bothered to think about religion, it confused me and aggrevated me and I hated being preached to. Within the past couple of years I’ve been more interesting in opening up my spirituality. Since then I’ve realized that I am very agnostic, but I really don’t know where to go from there.
I’ve always celebrated Christian holidays. That’s how I was raised, and I cannot shed those traditions. I know some Bible stories and I believe that Jesus existed. Do I worship him? I’m not so sure. But at the moment I am happy to spend time seeking out religion and spirituality and I am content in exploring it in my own way.
I also need to make note that I am not a lucky person. My brother is lucky, he won a lap top in a raffle one time, he wins random scratch tickets and other odd things. I mostly stop trying to be lucky. It prevents me from setting myself up for disappointment.
A couple months ago I had a thing going on with this guy who stopped responding to me after one night we had hung out together. I was agitated and crushed because I really liked him, and I’m not used to really liking guys. All I wanted was some sort of answer as to why. Not knowing, in my opinion, is worse than knowing and being hurt. It’s worse to question and wonder and think about the possibilities. It’s worse when you have no control over the situation to even find out the truth.
Two days after this night with this night with this guy I went to a church for the first time in years. It wasn’t for a service but for a charity breakfast at the church my friend goes to. There were all sorts of raffles lining the tables. You could buy raffle tickets and pick what gifts you might be able to win. I didn’t think about buying any tickets. I didn’t have extra cash that week, and I don’t normally win anyway. Juli, however, had a few extra dollars. She bought tickets and distributed them between myself, herself and her cousin.
I picked two things to drop raffle tickets into. I only had four tickets so I put two in each. Wouldn’t you believe that I WON one of those packages? I put tickets in a package that included a couple gift cards for stores and restaurants around Plymouth and one for a relaxation package that included a gift certificate for a massage, a bamboo wind chime, lavender candles and some lavender scented Paul Mitchell products. I won the relaxation package and my immediate thought was; God is telling me to calm the fuck down.
Who cares about this guy, really? I mean, I did. But I knew it was going to be okay. I felt like I was being watched over at that moment while I ate my pancakes.
A few days ago on Olga’s post I told her that maybe God isn’t showing himself to her because he wants her to find him. I feel like maybe, by going to that breakfast on that day, that’s exactly what I had done.
<3 Melanie. Kristy