I Need to Stop Focusing on What I Need to Do.

Starting backwards. Maybe I’m going at all of this (what? life?) the wrong way, Maybe I keep feeling so stressed out because I’m putting this pressure on myself to change things I’m not ready to change. To do things I’m not ready to do. I feel like maybe I’m still not ready to make this  huge leap into adulthood that so many other people are assumed ready to do. And in not being ready, I not only don’t act ready but I stress myself out about it and it’s another huge vicious cycle that I partake in.

I feel comfortable when I don’t have too many things going on. I feel less stressed about the idea that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, but I can still do it.

It’s the thought process that I gotta do this, gotta do that that’s pulling me down. I keep thinking about what I need to do but I continue to not do it. This makes it so I can’t get anything done. I can’t change my habits because I “need” to so badly that I’m resisting against myself. When I’m told to do things, for example by family members, I just feel more frustrated and want to rebel. Why didn’t this stage come when it was supposed to, during my teenage years? I could have moved on by now…

I need to realize that I want to do these things. In turn I need to really want to. Not pretend to want to. Not tell myself that I need to want to. I need to figure out how to let it act naturally. I need to go easy on myself and let myself feel. I need to live in the moment more. The most out of anything is living in the moment. I need to breathe right now, think about things while I’m doing them or just not think and not do anything. There I go talking about what I need to do again.

I want to gain control of myself. Whenever I try, I go around recognising these things that I need to do, and I get mad at myself for even trying to put myself in those positions. I want to be healthy, I want to have clean clothes that I can find in my closets. I want to bring my lunch to work so I can save money (which I want to do) and pay more of it off (which I also want to do).

When you’re twenty-five years old and out of college and high school and everything else, sometimes it seems like the next natural step is to leap into the world of the 9-5 and gogogo to pay off loans and find the right person and get married and live your happily ever after, boring life. (Side note: it isn’t always necessarily boring, but isn’t the expectation of it a tad bland?). I need to work forty hours a week, which naturally makes it so I don’t even want to be here. Why? Because it’s necessary. I have to remember why I want these things. Why I am here to begin with? If I didn’t want to be here, at all, then I could just leave. But what am I left with? Debts, no income, no way to get around, no money to hang out. I don’t want any of those things. I can’t save up for the things that I want this way. And so I work. But I want to be happy here. I want to realise that hey, this isn’t so bad.

I’m on a self-healing journey right now. It’s a long, ridiculous process where I find that I’m mostly fighting with myself. And all of these selfs that I am fighting with are inside of me, screaming to come out. I started writing in the mornings, free writes about whatever. They end up being reflections or my own inner dialogue in word form in Google documents. That’s okay. It’s not always easy to wake up early to do anything. I started writing in the morning (okay so it’s only been three successful times so far) because I knew I’d never get up early to work out. I can barely get up on time to work. But writing? I can do that. Especially if it’s thoughtless writing. That’s where it all stems from, moving your fingers along the keys. I hoping that this regular writing process will allow all of my inner selves the chance to speak as they wish. Maybe they can stop fighting and learn to act peacefully

You Make Me Wanna Listen to Music Again

Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/iheartradio/4479385064/sizes/o/


Last month I saw Adam Lambert in concert at a sold out packed show at Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel in Providence, RI. My cousin dressed up like Adam complete with a microphone that smeared glitter all over my arm. We were surrounded by a diversity unlike one you’d see at many other concerts. There were groups of glammed out Adam look alikes, gay boys sharing kisses, girls who loved Adam just as much as we did, twelve year old children, older women with their adult children. I was guilty of not taking the time to really listen to Adam’s album, so I knew few of his songs but that really didn’t matter.

The atmosphere was electric. Adam appeared in a huge over coat, and he wore a top hat with feathers coming out of it. We reveled in how HOT he must be, as we were simply sweating as we stood there. He danced around, he took the time to talk about love and relationships and what some songs were about. He made out with his straight bassist and sat on stairs in the center of the stage at one point to sing a slower songs.

I was struck by how sexy he was, and I admired his stage presence. He really knew how to be on the stage and I’m sure that stemmed from his years in musicals and theaters but it really added to the concert.

I left the show with three thoughts in mind: 1. I NEED WATER 2. I need to listen to this album on the drive home and 3. He made me want to listen to music again.

Not that I don’t listen to music because I certainly can’t drive without a CD playing. But I remembered a time when music was my passion; I was completely moved by finding new music, going to concerts and making mix cds. Lately, however, my need to listen to music has melted away. The need for fiction has replaced that for music. And though I’m not sure if anything will change, I think it’s nice to know and recognise ways that you’ve changed. It’s good to realize how you are different especially if you want to reclaim parts of your old self. So thank you, Adam Lambert for making me want to listen to music again.

Easiest Pumpkin Cupcakes Ever

My garden gnome thinks he made these...

So today I started out by trying to make pumpkin muffins. This failed first because I couldn’t find our cupcake pans. Then I couldn’t find any baking powder so I had to substitute. Then I was convinced we were out of eggs. Amazingly they were in a carton on their own just above eye level in the fridge. I ended up substituting with flax seeds and water. We have no nutmeg. When I mentioned it later to my mom, she replied, “Hmmm, nutmeg, that sounds familiar…”

I made the “bread” anyway, and an hour and twenty minutes later, it still hadn’t all turned solid or bread-like. So I proposed a new plan. Pumpkin cupcakes the easiest way ever. My mom insisted that we had spice cake mix (she was mistaken, though I’m not quite sure where said mix would have gone… we don’t do a lot of baking in my house). So I used white cake mix.

Seriously guys, this is the ingredient list for the cupcakes I made:
one can of pureed pumpkin
box of cake mix
spices pretty much to your liking. i used cinnimon/ginger/cloves/all spice

Direction: mix together and took according to directions on the back of the box.

Optional: smear cream cheese, or Trader Joe’s pumpkin butter (or both!) on top/ middle.

Results? Amazing.

Saturday Seven 09/25/2010

Saturday Seven

Seven amazingly awesome things about your week. Or things you just want to share.

1. I found frozen veggie samosas at Trader Joes! Honestly, they aren’t the best I’ve had, but they’re pretty good and I’m always on the hunt for frozen Samosas.
2. Revamping my resume – It feels nice to have one that feels presentable. Now on to figuring out cover letters…
3. Speaking my mind and being as straightforward as possible, even if it yields undesired results.
4. Hot Apple Cider at Dunkin Donuts & everything Pumpkin Flavoured
5. First Day of FALL
6. Taking the time in the morning before I do anything else to write. I’ve only doneit twice this week but I plan on making this a daily habit.
7. Zumba class. Not totally dying through it. I love dancing.

What’s on your list?


Weetzie Bat Screen Play

Since I was in high school Francesca Lia Block has been my favourite author. I devoured her fiction and found like-minded souls who admired her, too. Weetzie Bat was her first novel. It’s part of a book called Dangerous Angels that tends to be my favourite nostalgic book to read. Recently Weetzie Bat became a screen play and a group of authors got together at a bookstore in California to read it. Here’s the first of three parts. Please check it out if you’re interested.


This is supposed to be embedded, but apparently it isn’t working.

Recently Francesca Lia Block has released Pretty Dead, a vampire novel and Wood Nymph Seeks Centuar; A Mythological Dating Guide . She has a novel that’s coming out next Tuesday called Frenzy. I’m beyond excited.

Thoughts on Makeup

So Rabbit Write is participating in her own No Makeup Week this week. When I read the first post where she initially mentioned it I thought, “Hey I should do that, too.” I’m always up for a challange, and it’s more fun to experience a challange in the blog world with other bloggers. Even if they don’t know about your experiences.

This challange, however, fizzled very very quickly. In a matter of seconds after my initial thought. Not because I feel it impossible to not wear make up for a week. It’s actually quite the oppisite. Sure, I love lining my eyes in black or brown and brushing mascara against my lashes. I enjoy taking the time to powder mineral foundation over my skin, paint my lips in gloss and admire myself in the mirror on the way to work. But I don’t wear makeup every day. In fact, I don’t wear makeup often enough to even consider “going without” because, really, I am without.

In middle school I played with makeup, but I was always that girl who liked to try to look good in black lipstick or blue mascara. I wore a lot of glitter. I wasn’t making myself up to mask my imperfections. I used colours and glitter to stand out. I only wore black lipstick once or twice to school. It was actually in high school. I loved the goth look, but I could never pull it over. I could never pull off any look that wasn’t purely “myself.” That look did involve glitter. It involved wanting to wear wings to school and using bright colours to accent myself.

I enjoy the lipstick and powder, and I tend to buy countless amounts of shadows and nail polish for a person who barely uses it. I didn’t even know how to make my shadow stick for more than five minutes until a couple months ago. When I asked.

I guess I never got into the habit of making myself look “good”. I only straighten my hair when I have the time or energy in the morning. I can leave the house without mascara and that’s important to me. Because who is telling me that I don’t look good if my hair isn’t perfectly styled all of the time? Why should I even listen to myself when I have less than perfect skin all of the time? I shouldn’t. Because I’m beautiful right now with nothing more than moisturizer on. And you are, too. You shouldn’t believe it any other way.

We’ve learned to live in a world where most girls feel like they need to wear make up. Upon mentioning to my friend Kate that I was writing this post, she replied, “I hate not wearing makeup.” She said that it’s less the actual makeup that she hates not wearing, but her foundation, powder, etc. that makes her skin look even. It makes her feel more confident. Sure we can admire even skin tones, wonder how so-and-so got her skin to look so pristine, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But knowing that it’s not real, recognising that we are admiring an illusion, takes away from the effect.

How often do you wear make up? Could you go without for a week? Longer?

Autumn Equinox


The leaves look like they’ve caught on fire, the air smells burnt and crisp, apple crisp is the flavour du jour and everywhere you look there are cranberry bogs in harvest. At least, that’s what it looks like in the town where I live in Massachusetts. The bogs they use for cranberry juice are flooded and suddenly the most brilliant shade of cranberry dots sides of the road. The farmers market is full of vendors selling off their vegetables and fruits, pumpkins begin to pile on doorsteps and customers start to wish they were apple picking. I absolutely adore fall. I love the colours, the scents and the temperature. I love the Holidays and the Holiday season leading up to Christmas. I love wearing sweatshirts and not being cold. I love drinking tea in the morning and watching the sun set quickly behind trees.

If I wanted, I could fill this entire blog with entries every day pertaining to Autumn. I could list every single movie I love to watch, food I love to eat and activity I love to do. And maybe I will do that, though not every day. When you love something you want to share it. And I want to share my love of Autumn. I feel like sometimes it doesn’t get the recognition it deserves; not many people get to experience the fall that I do where the leaves are so brilliant for a few weeks that it’s as if we’re illuminated in a different world.