“I guess I should be grateful that I can walk in the rain,” Kristen said to me, nearly yelling over the sound from both out iPod earbuds. And I nodded because isn’t that the truth?
Two Friday nights ago the company I work at walked overnight at a local Relay For Life event. We spent the months of March, April, May and part of June raising over $12,000 to donate to cancer research and there we were the night of the relay, avoiding puddles as they filled my shoes.
It was a beautiful night. Lightening occasionally lit up the sky and whenever we reached a certain turn in our walk various nocturnal creatures sang us songs of encouragement while we passed. I walked for an hour, which was thirty minutes longer than I signed up for, around a high school track. I thought about counting laps, trying to reach a distance equivalent but soon gave up keeping track. It was too nice of a walk, I was too at peace with myself.
Even when Kristen muttered, “This sucks,” and I agreed with her, noting how my bright yellow jacket wouldn’t stay shut and my pants were soaked up to my thighs, it was still a nice walk.
It was nice because we could come together and raise money for a cause that’s so beyond the comprehension of most people. It was nice because at least it wasn’t freezing cold and bugs weren’t eating (or stinging or whatever it is they do) my skin off. It was nice because I was moving my body and exercising. It was nice because I’d spent ten hours that day mostly sitting and definitely inside. It was because of the participation of others, the girls who walked by singing pop songs and the various tents around the entire field. It was nice to see the words HOPE in huge letters. It was nice to wear a t-shirt for our team that displayed names of loved ones whose lives were personally affected by cancer.
And it was nice because I could walk. And I could put that ability to use for one wet hour to participate in the support of a cause that needs recognition and funding.
Have you ever walked for a cause? Aside from the Relay For Life (two years in a row now) I’ve also participated in barefoot walks put together by Hanson, to support causes that help fight poverty and HIV/ AIDs in Africa.
A reflection on what I’ve become. You know, I want this blog to be all about positivity–in my life and in yours. But how do you always remain positive, or at least only show that side of yourself without feeling like a phony? I guess some people can do that. They can only show one side and just purely forget about the rest.
So, since I refuse to turn this blog into something negative, or allow the negativeness to creep though, I am still going to keep it real. I am also going to make sure to maintain a balance or something. But here’s the deal, I keep on forgetting to write, my mind is blank and I can not help but feel overwhelmed by every single aspect of my life right now. A month ago I read an old journal entry I wrote one night when I was down and depressed and I felt sick to my stomach by the fact that I used to feel so down like that. I remembered all those feelings, those nights when the darkness felt like it was going to swallow me whole. I don’t want my days to turn into that now. But I’m not letting them. I’m spending a lot of time watching movies and trying to be by myself so that I don’t feel like something else, something bigger than I am, is going to take over me.
I’ve been not hanging out as much as normal, I’ve been not going out of my way to make plans or keep in touch. I feel like my mind is void of things to say, void of topics to blog about, but at the same time I feel like slowly I am figuring out how to do this all.
Positive things I’ve been doing lately:
& Taking walks, even though sometimes they’re in the dark
& Going to yoga. or thinking about going to yoga
& I plan to get back into SLR photography old-school style with film and all
& Wishing I was in Portugal with a certain person who will remained unnamed
& Reading slowly
& Sleeping better than I can ever remember sleeping (and that, folks, is due to the CPAP Machine that has been perscribed to me for CPAP therapy. That’s another post for another day, though)
& Acting snobby about the products I put on my skin and into my hair. I deserve the best. (Also reminding myself of this when I’m eating. Because it never works out the same way, though the philosophy should be the same)
& Listening to Gala Darling’s Love & Sequins podcasts and Sarah Von’s Wanderlust Workbook
& Trying to wean myself off my addiction to Spider Solitaire. It’s become a sickness.
What do you do when you feel like the entire world is going to collapse in on you?